Touching my spirit and my moments tonight.
Listening to Whitney Houston and having some coffee by The Christmas Tree with a classmate and friend, James this evening. Listening to exhale has me thinking so much about life and love. And when do finally ever truly get to the point where we can exhale? Ever? I truly hope so. And soon. I am now in my 40’s and still have not exhaled. I thought upon graduation of college and with the start of my new career in 2002 that would have been an exhale moment, but things got crazier for me and my world. Not better. Life has calmed down a lot over the last few years but I am still not at the point where I can even begin to think to exhale. Exhale by Whitney Houston is a timeless treasure. I really enjoyed watching the video with James. He loves Whitney Houston. I was surprised when he said he wanted to listen to her. I said, oh really! Okay! So Whitney Houston it has been for us tonight.
Whitney Houston’s I’m every Woman reminds me of my Certified Peer Specialist Ms. Brenda Williams. She truly is “Every Woman” and I am grateful to have her in my life everyday. She puts so much spirit into all her classes and care into the fact that we should be motivated enough to get off of our “rump roast” as she puts it and get busy doing something with our lives. She gave a very motivational speech yesterday that really touched me and has me thinking long and hard about life and where I want to go from here. I want so badly to get my Certified Peer Specialist Certification for the State of GA and will continue with school and continue to take and teach the classes until I am accepted, no matter how long it takes me to become a therapist for this State. She has me really longing for life once again and her support could not have came at a better time. Her door is always open to me and all I have to do is enter, and she is there for me. Same as with our secretary, Ms. Monique, she is always there when I need a helping hand at school. I never though I would be enrolled in a program trying to become a therapist for the State. But, here I am. I have applied twice now. Ms. Brenda did not initially pass her test either and has failed her CPRP exam as well and is due to take her testing again next year. She really encourages me that no matter if you fail or not, you get back up and your go it and try for it again and again, until the goal is achieved. I am not a big partier or party goer anyways, but Ms. Brenda has me thinking so much about the important things in life and in love. Me and Ms. Brenda have even talked about love in life. I will keep our conversation between us, but she has been very open, caring and inspiring to me. Reassuring me that love comes when it is meant to happen and that not every man is worth your time and love. She has me thinking of the important things in life. As if I was not already dealing with all of this. And thinking about it everyday, day in and day out. But her class speech has motivated me even more towards my education and my career. I have given so much time, care and devotion to the case involving my daughter(s) over the last ten years, I have often forgotten about myself along the way. Yes, I attend a lot of community functions and gathering’s, but a lot of the time and often, it is just as though, I am just there. There in body but not always in spirit. I hate this feeling. I want it to leave me and I do not think that it ever will until I have the proper reunification process with my youngest daughter, my daughter, my baby girl that was so horrifically ripped away from me with no wrongdoing on my behalf as a mother nor as a wife, NOT EVER to even be presented to this State, not ever. I do not think that I will ever truly exhale and heal. Mr. Sasser does not follow the Court’s direct order’s, I certainly do not expect him to follow the Court’s opinion and wishes. Given my daughter’s age, I knew all this would come to an end one day, me just unprepared to face it. What a terrible time, during the holiday’s for me to have to contend and deal with this grief. Even though the Court’s have always been in our favor and on our behalf over the last several year’s, and we still have the Court’s opinion and wishes in our favor, given her age, but I was not prepared to have to fact the ending. The end of the Court’s Opinion and wishes. I cry, even as I sit here with James typing this blog up. Trying to control myself and trying to remember and think about everything that Ms. Brenda has taught me and to know that she has told me her door is always open, knowing I can go to her tomorrow and tomorrow and all my tomorrow’s, helps a lot and gives me added spirit. Knowing she has told me that her door is always open and that we can talk. She takes up so much time and concern even over the little things. The little things always seem to matter to Ms. Brenda. Even the slightest of needing a phone number, she takes up so much time in helping you. She has never neglected me nor turned her back on me. She has always had open arms, as my Certified Peer Specialist.
Just getting this out, helps a lot. Journaling is so scientifically and therapeutically proven to be of a great help to many, including myself. I thank you for your continued reading of my blog and my imagery taken in and around town. I will be sure and get some great photographs, I hope, Thursday night at the grand Christmas Tree and Courthouse lighting on The Square.
As if I do not already spend enough time on self – help, there is clearly and evidently more room and the need for me to grow. Ms. Brenda’s speech and talk to our class has truly touched me and put me in full motion and movement and stirred my heart and soul. Directing me and my path even more towards my education and career path. The humanitarian in me always, always want to do more, see more and be more. The humanitarian in me loves mankind and wants to believe that there is good in the world. That I give off the echo that is returned to me. I want to be the echo of good and to receive good in my life. I have been truly blessed with some great friends and mentors over the years of my young life. 41 years young, that is.
I just noticed that I got my December subscription of In Touch, by Charles Stanley in the mail today. I opened it up to the very page of this : A dark redemption. To truly celebrate Christmas we must understand both peace and pain. by Andrew Greer.
I plan on reading this tonight. It goes on to say that There is a mysterious darkness, a lingering melancholy underlying December’s happy display, because Christmas acknowledges the great lengths God went to because humanity needed to be saved. I feel strongly that this is true, and still rings true to date. I am so much of a humanitarian that life is often so painful and hard to bare when I am sad and hurting. I have over the past ten years developed a strong relationship and bond with my private therapist Dr. Asaf Aleem Director of Peachford Hospital and he has always been in support of me, my education, and my life in general. I can always go to him as well. I am so over the depression and anxiety, though. I am sick of, fed up with, and torn apart over all the depression and anxiety I have felt and dealt with over the years. I am praying for peace. A peace that I know only comes from within. Within my own self must I travel and throw myself into my education and career path at this point in my life. A decision that comes hard this month but one that is evident and prevalent and oh so important in my life, if I am to carry on. A peace that only I can achieve and only one that God can deliver. I plan on writing to The Mental Health Court’s of Newton County, enlightening them even further so on View Point Health and New Rock and the CPS Certified Peer Specialist program and classes that I am currently enrolled in. And also of The Respect Institute that I am a graduate of.
I go on to read that perhaps this is the point of Christmas. Not happiness. Or alleviated pain. Or some state of perfect revelation. But because of God’s burden of love for you and me. He reaches down to relate to us and compassionately change us for His glory and our good. In the midst of our humanity, our deep doubts and harried troubles, God offers us the breathtaking reminder of Bethlehem, that we are of great value because He first loved us.
I find this so heartening and full of truth. It seems to put me at a little ease reading this passage and the hope that it is not always necessarily about being happy or displaying happiness at Christmas, but the true you. The real heart of you. I have been happy this season, not very, but yes, happy enough. Happy enough to know that as Christmas draws nearer and nearer that I still feel the spirit of Christmas, that of a child. The spirit that a young child would hold and with the hope that I will once again find that happiness in my life and be able to focus clearly enough to put my education and career first and foremost without so much hardship on my mind and in my life. I can only pray and continue to work hard and devote myself and apply myself harder and stronger in life. Getting back the echo that I give off is what I want and wish for me and the world that I touch. That special echo that delivers care, concern, genuine unconditional love for mankind and my fellow life partner at the given moment. The person of the moment that my life is crossing and interacting with. I hope to always leave a kind word, a gently touch, a stroke of loving kindness and genuine sincerity that will last a lifetime. This is how I would want to be treated as well. In a real world this is how it would be This is how it should be . This Christmas devote your time and energy to this my friends and what a greater world we would all live in and be a part of.
Off to read my In Touch and tell James good night for the evening. We will see you all Thursday at the lighting. Christmas is always done at its finest in town and always touches me. I will blog of my In Touch in time with more as I read tonight. I am certain already that it will be touching my spirit. I will leave you with my favorite view in the whole entire world.