A mother of five. Now a single mother of one. I get so enraged when I think about the current situation with my daughter’s. It has been a long and hard battle for ten years now. I have seemed to have done all that these two little caring hands can do though. As me and my daughter have won many hearings to our name and in our full favor and behalf, the court hearing’s have stopped as of this season 2013. As she has supposedly and assuredly decided that she does not want to be a part of my life. A mother to five. A life shattered, torn and ripped apart into shreds with no wrongdoing ever to be presented on my behalf as a mother nor as a wife. Nothing, ever to even be presented or brought into question and our lives were ruined. Six lives, mother and five children that were once very close. A loving and nurturing bond that was shared as I adopted three step daughter’s in 1999 and always raised them as my own. Due to my being hospitalized at Peachford in August of 2004 for marital abuse the parental alienation and estrangement began and I have seen my daughter once in a ten year period to spite the many many court wins to our name. It is Christmas and I have to spend it without my daughter’s. Once again this holiday season. It is terrible on me and I have to worry about losing my mind once again. I hope to stay focused and keep things in perspective but it gets rather hard dealing with the fact of being so alienated from my four girl’s for so long. Relationships that were there one day and gone the next. Just ripped apart at the threads. I do not know what my daughter’s think but if they realize it or not, there has never been any wrong doing on my behalf to even ever have been in question. Of which I feel pretty confident that they have pretty much been soured towards me given a recent email correspondence with one of my daughter’s. And to have never had any legal problems at all pertaining to my mothering or my wifely obligations. Lives shattered and love ruined. I feel lost most days. After giving so much of my time and finances towards legal expenses and court procedures, I cannot believe that my youngest biological daughter has decided that she no longer wants to be a part of my life. To spite the court’s wishes of us having a conduit and being able to exchange correspondence and her being told that she can see me at any point and given time. I know within my heart of hearts it will more than likely be once she has turned 18 or so. Several years away. I do feel lost on most days and wonder when this hurt will ever go away and ever heal. I have not been the same since my divorce and hospitilization in August of 2004. I have never been the same experiencing grief day in and day out. Being told by my therapist that I have PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all the grief. The court has sided on our behalf many times and to current date its wishes are still to preserve the best relationship possible. Mr. Sasser does not follow court order’s I cannot expect him to follow the court’s opinion and wishes. I have been hospitalized several times due to this problem within my daughter’s relationship and now even as of recent due to her wishes. It has me so saddened over this holiday time. I try to find peace within each day with everything that I do. Trying to find peace in everything that I touch. Making my life simpler. I do all the therapeutic healing that my therapist insists on and has instructed me of to do. The pain never subsides. The pain as it never subsides is always there poking its ugly head in my life. I always wonder if I will ever truly be happy again and be the mother that I once was. A very loving, caring and nurturing full time mother a constant primary care giver to five children. I am thankful to have always been a part of my son’s life as I do not know what I would have done so many times throughout my life without him there to comfort me, hold me and be a best friend and support system to be as best he can be now that he has gotten older and understands more. I took a walk today in Olde Town Conyers and reflected on the last ten year’s of my life. A young single mother who once was a full time parent and pillar of my community. I went from being full time mother to suffering a life of being detached from four beautiful daughter’s that I raised as a family and as loving siblings with my son, their brother for over ten years. My walk in Olde Town brought up terrible and saddening feelings for me. Everytime I go to Olde Town I always say I am never going back and then I always tell myself, next time will be better. It is never better. It never gets better. I hate for my reader’s to constantly feel as though I am discussing my life with my daughter’s but they were my life and have been my life for the past ten year’s in the court system as I have spent countless hours inside a court room and winning many open and public court hearings on my behalf. At this point feeling lost is all I know to do as the end of the road has arrived until which point she decides that she wants to talk to me. There are no more court hearings at this point and I feel as though I will be lost forever not being able to press onward or forward any longer up and until which point she so desires the full, open and loving relationship that has been court ordered time and time again and is still the court’s wishes and opinion that we be able to develop the best relationship possible. I am left with no idea as to what my daughter’s think about why we have been separated but I feel that they have been told a totally different story than the truth. A totally different story than the facts. They have been told otherwise and I know it. I do not know what they have been told or what has been shared with them about our alienation and estrangement but it has been different than what has actually happened and the fact of the matter that they were all there one day and all four daughter’s gone the next due to hospitilization with a marital abuse diagnosis. If you have or will follow the case or the open public record it has proven factual that I have never had any wrong doing on my behalf as a mother nor as a wife. And have had to spend hours in a court of law asserting mine and my daughter’s rights and for our love of which began with me fighting for all four of them not just my youngest. One day and the day will come that I will be able to share with my youngest biological daughter and hopefully all my daughter’s the facts of the case and the true facts of our separation as they will be able to see the true history of the matter and the chronological order of our history for themselves all of which is public record. I hope I live to see the day that I get to share with my daughter the true and factual records of the court system. Not the lies that she has been told of which I know and feel strongly in my heart the she has and they all have been. I feel strongly that my youngest daughter is very influenced and stressed out by my older three daughter’s and their father as to her best interest in not seeing me. I feel that her decision has been based upon distress and being influenced and swayed very far from the truth of the facts of our history. Imagine waking up one day and having your children gone and for no fault of your own and to have to live year after year without those children in your life and in your arms.
It being Christmas I am in a terrible mood of feeling lost. I have spent a lot of time in the community and visiting with Christmas but seeing Santa today and a walk in Olde Town has me in such a saddened state and has left me hurt not knowing what to do now or where to turn next as the court hearings are over. I have to wait now until she decides to be a part of my life. I have no idea when or if that will ever happen. It is heart breaking and gut wrenching to me living without my daughter’s. It is a life that you never get used to. A life that you never adjust to. It is the same as experiencing a death of a loved one if not worse because you know that there is nothing that you can do to gain the love of that missing loved one again no matter how hard you have tried. This is Olde Town where it all began in February of 2004 and with hospitilization in August of 2004. I have come to know the staff at Peachford very well over the years and my private therapist is the director of the hospital. He has been so good to me and has always felt our relationship was for the best and always supports me at every turn. All I have to do is call or pay him a visit. What are you to do when you never heal? Never healing causes so much trauma in ones life. A trauma that reinfects you day after day leaving behind only more open wounds and scars left to show for it. Scars that have been festering for ten year’s now and see no end in sight. As I see no end in sight for me and my daughter’s I do not know what the road will bring next. I see no end in sight and unsure of what to be doing with my life at this point other than wait. Waiting to hold my daughter once again.