Living Authentically this Good Friday

On my walks in my subdivision I have seen and had the glory of Daffodils, Azalea, Wisteria and Roses among the many blooming trees and flowers. It is Good Friday and it has rained all day today. I have sat inside and walked out intermittently to enjoy the breeze and light sprinkle of rain we have had. I cleaned the apartment all day today and am getting ready to pack for my training classes next week for The Georgia Peer Institute through the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network. I am so proud of my receiving this scholarship. I cannot wait as my Certified Peer Specialist, Ms. Brenda would say “be a sponge!” And soak up all this grand information and training I will be receiving. I never would have imagined my ten year anniversary of diagnosis of severe depression and marital abuse would be spent in training classes for the State but I have once again traveled a lonely highway and have came out on top. I hope to make Ms. Brenda my CPS very proud of me as she has often told me that she did not succeed at first and to not give up on my hopes of becoming a CPS for the State of GA one day. This is just another milestone achieved and step in the right direction to becoming a CPS for the State of which there have been 930 since October 2001. My life never should have been turned upside down the way it was by not getting to see my children due to mental diagnosis and marital abuse. It caused my downfall. It caused the death of my soul and my spirit. Still to this day I suffer even though me and my daughters have won many hearings on our behalf since 2004 I still suffer the consequences of this state’s mistake. This Good Friday I am once again praying for the Lords Will to be done in my life. I pray to know what his strong Will is. I have found out we can set out with our Will in mind but in the long run of the aftermath of turmoil it is the Lord’s Will that prevails. On my walks I often pray and as I see nature in bloom I pray over it and ask the Lord to make me and my life just as beautiful as his glorious nature that he has cast on this earth for us to behold. I shake my head in so much disbelief sometimes that I make myself sick. The fact remains that in 20 plus years there is no hint, suggestion, implication or accusation as to wrongdoing on my behalf as a mother nor as a wife. No wrongdoing whatsoever in 20 plus years, yet I go to bed one night in August of 2004 and the next day comes to pass that I never see my daughter’s again. It has been nearly 10 years since my diagnosis and I am still praying with the faith of a mustard seed and love of a giant for the Lord’s Will to be shown in my life. Easter was a very big holiday in my home as we always celebrated Good Friday and Easter with the children. We did not go out every Easter to buy a new Easter basket. The children had the very same Easter basket each year for many years. Somewhat like a Christmas stocking that was sat out each year with loving care. They were all wicker and painted in pastel colors for Spring. Thinking long and hard on those special Easter baskets today, this Good Friday and wondering whatever became of those precious Easter baskets and Easter memories that were made. Wondering if over ten years worth of photos were destroyed or if my children have them? In my ex husband’s quest despite the fact of no wrongdoing ever as a mother nor as a wife, his quest to turn my children against me and to hate me he has seemed to have met and reached his goal. All I can do is pray and hope for better days ahead where my children one day know the entire truth of the record of the matter and that there has been no hint, suggestion, implication or accusation on my part ever as to any wrongdoing as mother nor as wife. Mr. Sasser had ten years of a marriage and ten years of a divorce and visitation hearings if there were to ever be any mention of wrongdoing and there never has been, not in 20 plus years during my state of advocacy for four beautiful daughters. Surely being Good Friday the Lord hears my prayers for his Will in my life to be shown. All too often we get carried away with our Will be done instead of handing it all over to the Lord in prayer. As I am in constant conversation with the Lord our God I ask him to let that Will take a stronghold in my life and to prepare for me and my children a place together again someday and that someday will be just as beautiful, caring and loving as was August of 2004. I always gave my children new Bibles at Easter and tried my best instilling the love, peace and faith of the Master in their lives. Being the only parent that ever took them to church it was a hard task at times but always kept the spirit, faith and love of the Lord in our home. I pray that my parents see me now. With their passing came great distress in my life. Oh how I wish  they could see me now. In training to become a Certified Peer Specialist and with full scholarship for the Georgia Peer Institute. My oh my I wish my parents were with me now to see this glorious year that I have been blessed with. I would give anything to be able to call them and tell them of my grand news. Upon completion of the GA Peer Support Institute I plan to have correspondence with the mental health courts updating them as to my scholarship and training and to include this in my project that I will be working on for completion of the program. What can Good Friday mean to me? That the Lord is hard at work in my life and that he has honored many of my prayers even though I have suffered through the hell and anguish of parental alienation I have still had many of my prayers honored and it has been a great blessing to walk with the Lord over the last ten years of being alone. I have accomplished much and still travel a road alone but with the Lord by my side as my guide and friend. Having had such great mentors in my life time has been a wonderful fulfilling experience and I have no idea what I would do without these excellent mentors and friends that I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with and their amazing company. So many mentors have crossed my life’s path and have left an amazing impression on my life and have also left me with big shoes to fill. I feel that in 20 plus years I have met this goal. Met, yet still striving to be more, to do more, to accomplish more, praying to become more. Always  clinging to education. My college degree at Dekalb Technical College and now graduating New Rock, The Respect Institute and now upcoming classes for the GA Peer Support Institute. If I can accomplish this much anyone with a mental diagnosis can as well. Being a firm believer in self  – directed recovery and that keeping the Lord first in your life will help you succeed and will bring with it many blessings and answered prayer. We must not always be in strong, long, drawn out eloquent prayer with the Lord. It can be all day every day in small conversational prayers that our sins are forgiven, washed clean and blessings placed in our laps. The Lord loves it none the less no matter how you come to him just so that you hand your life over to his mercies. I had a neighbor to witness to me this Easter season and it was very touching to have her reach out to me with her love of the Lord. The Lord reminds us in simple and intimate ways of his love for us. Being baptized in our holy Father’s name is the first step to repentance and being a believer. I have been baptized twice as a young adult but have been feeling the need to walk the aisle and have a re dedication of my life. Being a faithful believer is what we must all attain to achieve. I speak to my son often of the Lord and his peace for my sons life. We have been in conversation several times over the Lord as I try to instill in my young son that the Lord loves him and wants him to have peace if he would just reach out and grab ahold of the peace that comes with knowing the Lord and having a close walk with him. One of my dear facebook Friends Deanna Dennis sent me a gift of the book, “Let Your Life Speak” and it seems to me that trying to make progress in forgetting about and leaving behind the blogging of my daughter’s is a great distress and very upsetting to me. Reading Let Your Life Speak only makes me feel that the Lord has designed me to be a witness to others and to this State about parental alienation and just how terribly it effects everyone involved, especially the children. Reading this book from Deanna has me feeling as though the Lord does not want me to leave behind my story yet to reach out to others by witnessing to them and being a strong advocate for this State in and outside the courtoom. Trying to leave my story behind is too distressing and causes me great anxiety. I have prayed and prayed over this. According to Parker J. Palmer ” Live Authentically” and in order for me to do so, I must tell my story. I have kept so much inside and to myself and have let the court’s handle all of the matters and decisions. Living Authentically is the goal of the book written by Parker J. Palmer. Living Authentically means living your true life and being an advocate for oneself and for others not strong enough to carry the weight of the world. Carrying the weight of the world has been on my shoulders for the last ten years but I have matched it line for line heartbeat to heartbeat. I begin living more authentically this Easter season as I advocate at Peer Institute training and tell my story to the GA Mental Health Consumer Network. Join me next week as I come to you live from Peer Institute training. 2014-04-17 19.44.34

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