As She Paces

Snapshot_20140611_3 Snapshot_20140611_10My crown for surviving my recent voluntary admission  hospital stay this past week at Peachford. The GA Peer Institute declares that I am a walking Miracle.

There have been 997 Georgia Certified Peer Specialists Since October 2001. The Georgia Certified Peer Specialist Project is a partnership between the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network and The Georgia Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities. Candidates must have diagnosis of mental illness or a dual diagnosis of mental illness and addictive disease and must desire to identify themselves a a person with mental illness current or former consumer of mental health services. This information was taken directly word per word from the CPS Project brochure. So given these facts why has my life been a living hell for ten years and why was I even separated from my daughter’s due to mental diagnosis and marital abuse of which are both forensically authenticated facts that have been presented in open court. My life was turned upside down nearly ten years ago now in August of 2004 when I was hospitalized for marital abuse and given a diagnosis of mental illness. The state of GA since has corrected their injustice but there has still been no relief from my ex husband on hindering the relationship with my four daughters. Given the state over the last several years has rectified their unjust decisions ten years ago and with the fact of the matter that I have never had any hint, suggestion, implication nor accusation as to any wrong doing on my behalf as a mother nor as a wife ever, not ever in my 42 years of life with my ex husband having 10 years of a marriage and ten years of custody and visitation issues has there ever been even the slightest hint of wrongdoing, none to even be suggested yet I still suffer day in and day out with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression among other mental diagnosis. I will never be able to heal until I have that full reunification process with my three legally adopted step daughters and my biological daughter of 15 years old. I try so hard each and every day to be productive and lead a normal life but I still suffer and live in anguish over this separation and estrangement that has nearly killed me, nearly been the death of me. I  feel that given the requirements to become a Certified Peer Specialist and what I was taught by Deputy District Attorney Mr. Richard R. Read I am in my right frame of mind to be a strong advocate in the State of Georgia. I have lived the life of leaving a lasting legacy in the Official Code of GA Annotated for family violence victims, parental alienation, parental reunification and the mentally challenged. I have felt that living the life of leaving this legacy has been part of God’s ultimate plan and divine intent for my life.  I have lived a life of advocacy for over 20 years now not only for my biological daughter but in open court and in life for my three legally adopted step daughters as well. I have lived a life under a microscope pretty much near my entire life and feel that I have given my best in return as open public court records can prove. As far as life concerning my children and my  always answering timely, appropriately and ethically to all court systems and Judges that my life has ever came across. I am currently working on becoming a Certified Peer Specialist in my near future and am a graduate of Dekalb Technical College Paralegal program with my degree in legal office and a graduate of New Rock Day Program Peer classes, along with a graduate of The Respect Institute by and through Mr. Joel Slack and now a recent graduate of The Georgia Peer Support Institute through The Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network where I am current working on my graduating project of The Five Stages of Recovery due the end of June.

I had felt it building for several weeks now. The anxiety and the panic. It often times feels as if I am crawling out of my skin with all my nerves and nerve endings in threat and in deep pain. August marks my ten year anniversary of hospitilization for marital abuse and initial mental diagnosis. With that ten year anniversary at hand it has been a very large trigger and stressful for me.  So last Tuesday I paid all my bills and got my rent home and came home and packed a suitcase to drive myself to Peachford to see my private psychiatrist Dr. Asaf Aleem, Director of Peachford. I drove myself the entire way wondering if they would admit me or just adjust my medication. Thinking of how I have missed everything in my daughter’s lives for ten years now and often times cannot stand or endure the pain. And thinking  of how alone I am in this great big world and suffer and struggle trying to pay rent, automobile expenses. loans, and put food on my table. Often times not knowing where my next meal is coming from. Needing to work at least part time but my illness interfering with my having a full time career. Being a college graduate and not using my degree is a very upsetting fact but I hope to one day master this and become a full fledged CPS and Author of my memoir. I arrived and went into assessments where I met with a therapist and we discussed my life over the last several weeks. As I sat in the lobby waiting to be taken back to assessments I saw my doctor stroll through the lobby walking over from his office to see his patients and I knew then that he would more than likely admit me. The assessment therapist spoke with Dr. Aleem and he decided to admit me. So last Tuesday I began a week long journey at Peachford and a new medicine regimen. I was told that in order to begin taking an Anxiety medication that I would have to stay in house for several days in order to monitor me. I have never taken an anxiety medication before so this is all new to me. A mental hospital is not what most people think it is. You are in your own clothing with your own clothes, shoes, make- up, hair done, etc., and you attend classes and training, have smoke breaks, venture to the cafeteria for all meals as long as you are a voluntary admission. You have full access to the phones and can also have visitors. Sometimes you take a leisure time outside with Expressive Therapy and get to see some of the grounds. I myself personally have toured every inch of Peachford over the years and love the beautiful grounds. The Magnolia trees were in full bloom and so were the Day Lilies which made for very beautiful scenery and a great sense of hope along with longing to be home on the courthouse Square in Downtown Covington where the Magnolias are towering. Which is exactly what I did upon my release. The first place I went was to the Square in Downtown Covington, my favorite four corners of the world. I attended all classes while at Peachford and discussed in great detail with my doctor about my life and my daughter’s and the absence of their presence. He tells me yet April you still have to live life until that  reunification process takes place. My youngest is now 15 and it is pretty much out of the courts hands at this point given her age and wishes not to be a part of my life. Which I feel my ex husband has never encouraged the relationship. When just not too very long ago she had a strong desire to be an active part of my life. My ex husband and his family with no reason to stand ground on alienate and estrange me from my daughter’s out of hate and spitefulness. They have no ground of wrongdoing on my behalf to stand on yet they brainwash my daughter’s into thinking otherwise. All out of the act of hate. I met some really good friends at Peachford and met a special man that really touched my heart. A retired military veteran who had spent the last 33 days in the hospital. I was released yesterday, Tuesday the 10th and drove straight to the Downtown Covington Square. I drove my car home and was very happy to be coming home. I drove straight to the flower shop to see about ordering this gentleman a plant and it was so near closing time that they could not do it yesterday. I was saddened and then thought well hell I will just take him a plant myself. Me and a neighbor and a great friend of mine went and hand picked out a plant and drove it back to Peachford and left it at the front desk for him. I hope that he received the plant and that he was genuinely surprised and happy with my selection. After spending 33 days alone hospitalized I felt that the plant would really pick him up and show that someone out there does care. It felt good doing something this grand for someone else in my life. Me and my neighbor and friend stopped and had Steak & Shake on our way home and excellent conversation and it was a good visit with him as well. I had really missed him and was able to talk to him everyday while I was gone. I spoke of the Certified Peer Specialist Project through the State of GA and of my blogging for the Covington News for nearly 3 years now and was encouraged to begin my manuscript for my memoir. I want to desperately reach the world and share my story and journey of despair by and through the hands of the State of GA along with my road to success in the courtroom and in life with all my honors, certificates and graduate classes I have accomplished. I was encouraged and affirmed to begin this manuscript and really put my heart into it. There was a time in my life when I sat for 90 days on the Forensic Unit of GA Regional  wondering if I would ever have a life again. A time in my life that I have never spoken of online nor shared anything about with my readers. A time in my life that will be shared in my manuscript and memoir. The Covington News staff is fully aware of this time on the Forensic Unit at GA Regional and my answering appropriately and ethically to the courts and my release of responsibility that accompanied this time in my life. But at any rate I sat for 90 days on the Forensic Unit of GA Regional in 2006 and wondered if I would ever see  or have life again. With nothing to my name only the clothes on my back. I have accomplished so much over the last ten years that I want to share with the world. I cried everyday and my mother died and I was unable to attend any of her services. What began as journaling and tearing pictures from  magazines in Expressive Therapy at Peachford has turned into years at Word Press and nearly 3 years now being published at The Covington News as a top blogger and photographer who posts weekly albums and I attend many community events and photograph these special occasions as share them with my community. I hope to turn my blogging experiences into a manuscript along with authenticated forensic documentation of marital abuse and many wins in court pertaining to all my daughter’s over the last 20 plus years. I want my daughter’s to know my story and the truth of the facts of the matters at hand. They are not pleased with my choice of being an advocate for for them and myself but it is what I have been taught by Deputy District Attorney  Mr. Richard R. Read tricking down from there by many government officials and officers. And now being a requirement to become a Certified Peer Specialist is that you identify yourself as a mental illness client and advocate for mental illness. What better way to reach the world than online at Word Press, The Covington News and Facebook. I was taught as a very young mother of 5 children to be a strong advocate for my children and I always have been my advocacy did not just begin with my own biological daughter. It began in my 20’s prior to adopting my three step daughter’s. Me and my 21 year old son have always maintained a very open, loving and caring relationship. He has been my best friend for many years and has supported me through so many crisis in his adult life. His love pulls me through.

This week I will be completing my Georgia Peer Institute Project of The Five Stages of Recovery and presenting it to my Peers at New Rock and turning it into The Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network. Mental Illness in Non Linear meaning you never know when a relapse may strike and I for one can feel it coming on and always reach out for help so as to avoid relapse.

As She Paces.

 

 

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