A little from Mary on Boundaries and A lot from my heart for the bully.
I am growing and learing more about the bully over the next couple of weeks and will be sharing in my experience as I grow to defend and respect myself yet set healthy boundaries. I will be studying about coping skills such as stress management, stress worksheets, anxiety, panic attacks, anger and pain relief. I will be studying self-esteem relaxation affirmations beginning now and will share more on my studies of self-esteem relaxation affirmations.
When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the buondary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
I have made my point loud and clear that I will not stand for being bullied and have taken the necessary steps to protect myself and my life and livelyhood from the bully and including those who condone bullying. I do not wish to be in their company.
Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible.
What is a boundary?
A boundary shows me where I end and where someone else begins. It leads me to a sense of ownership knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside.
Examples of Boundaries:
The skin boundary keeps the good in and the bad out.
If you can’t say no to external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the privilege of “self-control.”
Many people live scattered and tumultuous lives trying to live outside of their own boundaries, not accepting and expressing the truth of who they are.
Sometimes physically removing yourself from a sitiuation will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit.
Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead changed behavior.
Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out of control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.
Emotional Distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it if never a permanent way of living.
You need others to help you set and keep boundaries. There are two reasons why you need others to help with boundaries.
1. Our most basic need in life is for relationship.
Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years.
2. We need new input and teaching.
Support systems help us stand against guilt that comes from the old “tapes” inside that tell us lies.
Consequences let people know the SERIOUSNESS OF THE VILOATION OF BOUNDARIES and the SERIOUSNESS OF OUR RESPECT FOR OURSELVES.
Dynamic of our Boundaries
Feeling shoudl never be ignored nor placed in charge. Your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they re pointing to.
Attitudes and Beliefs
Attitudes have to be with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others. Beliefs are anything you accept as true.
We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them.
People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility.
Example: To hold people responsible for their feeling, choices, and behaviors is mean.
Setting limits and accepting responsibility helps all involved.
They have consequences. To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviors is to render them powerless.
We need to take responsibility for our choices.
I had to or they made me.
Do not pass the buck.
We are in control of our choices no matter how we feel
Don’t “should” all over yourself.
Making decisions based on others approval or on guilt causes resentment.
You re the one who must live with the consequences of our choices.
What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Beware not to assign value to the approval of others.
Set limits on others.
Set limits on what you expose yourself to post treatment.
We need to be able to say no to others and ourselves.
Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things:
1. We must own our thoughts.
2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds.
3. We must clarify distorted thinking.
Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.
Setting mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries will help distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.
When confronted with our lack of boundaries, the following questions arise
1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?
Lack of boundaries can cause depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, marital and relational struggles.
Being bullied can lead to suicide according to my family physician.
Mythis about loss/grief
Don’t feel bad
Replace the loss
Grieve alone laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone
Give it time
Be strong for others
Don’t speak ill of the dead
Truths about loss/grief
It is normal and natural to express sadness at loss
We are taught and socialized not to talk aobut loss we’re told don’t burden others
We need to feel and be heard
It is natural to be angry at God/Higher Power
Others who don’t know what to say, they feel uncomfortble or afraid of our feeling they were taught the same myths we were
Others don’t know how to deal with the loss either: they change the subject or inntellectualize grief
How do you know grief is unresolved?
You are unwillling to think about or talk about it
Your fond memories turn painful
You focus on only the positives or negatives of that person
You feel fear when thinking about the person
Include amends, Include Forgiveness, Include significant emotional statements, such as I love you, I’m proud of you, I hate you, I’m ashamed, I miss you
Say goodbye. You are saying goodbye to the pain not the memories.
Grief is complete when you can enjoy fond memories without them leading to painful feelings.
How to process loss/grief
Write and talk about what was said and done at the tome of the loss. Give explicit details.
Write and talk about the importance of this person, place, thing in your life.
Write and talk about the impact of the loss, describe what you thought and how it affected or changed our life, things you do or don’t do since then.
Write and talk about your feelings, sadness, anger, fear and how you wuld like to say goodbye.
Write and talk about and correct distortions.
Being the victim and falling prey to bulling can include:
Resentement, Grief, Pain, Hurt, Sadness, Lonliness, Betrayal, Abandoned, Hopeless and Helpless.
Taking ownership of where you end and someone else begins gives you Freedom.
Enabling can often be the same as insanity.
Progress is the existence of all the emotions. Disassociate feelings of being bad and shame based beliefs. The bully loves power and control and gets defensive which is unhealthy. It is verbal abuse which is Power Control Manipulation. I am working on relieveing shame based grief over being the victim of bullying and how how bullying can also include anger, manipulation, numbing, sad and helplessness.
To be continued into the upcoming week.